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etoilesmortant) wrote2016-12-31 01:54 pm
etoilesmortant) wrote2016-12-31 01:54 pm
{2016: A Year In the Life; cw: suicidal/self-harm ideation, emotional abuse, pet illness/death}
I'm not really one to make a New Year's Resolution because like most people, I get too ambitious, I see too many places in which I could improve or change, and I end up falling flat on my face maybe two days in. But what I am a fan of is reflecting over the past year and considering what changes I have made. I like then using that to look forward at possibilities, but not resolutions. So, this is my look at 2016 and pondering for 2017.
2016 started off incredibly rough for me. I was still in the middle of the hellish year of fast-tracking, meaning I was working too much all around. It was during this period where I was stressed out to the point I wasn't sleeping or eating some days. Towards the end of the spring semester, I made the decision to get myself into therapy as soon as possible. I made the decision to hold off on immediately jumping in because I knew I was still bogged down with far too many obligations to really work on myself in a way that wouldn't just add more to my already overflowing plate. I think it was the best choice, but it wasn't 100% perfect because my therapist was far from great.
She didn't listen. Once she had an idea or way of thinking about my experiences, she would not accept my corrections no matter how many times I said that wasn't how I think of it. She invalidated me by putting her feelings above my own in the aftermath of a terrible event. I almost gave up completely on going to therapy because of her.
My new therapist is different. She lets me talk. She listens. She challenges me, but she does so without invalidating my experience. She's respectful of when I say I don't think something would work, or I say I don't think I could do something. She trusts me to know where my limits still lie while pushing me to get a little closer to them. We have a really great working relationship, and I'm hoping that continuing to work with her will help me continue growing into the person I am meant to be.
But that doesn't mean some of the growth that I've experienced didn't come without hardship. I had to come to painful terms with the emotional and psychological abuse that I experienced at the hands of not just one, but both my parents. I had to acknowledge that my father continues to abuse me emotionally while demanding that I take care of his own emotional needs. I struggled with wanting to hurt myself or worse at times, especially around my own damn birthday. (It's funny [in a sad way] because I'm still tempted to tell people I'm 25 just to avoid acknowledging that day ever happened.) I would not say that I've completely broken out of the cycle. I don't think I will be able to completely break out of it until I am living on my own, if I'm quite honest. But I have taken strides to avoid getting sucked into his psychodrama as much as possible. I've learned to establish better boundaries by only acknowledging his feelings while not offering solutions, to do things that I want like attending events, traveling during school breaks, and cutting my hair shorter than it's ever been. As screwed up as it might sound, I'm proud of myself for crying briefly in session one day. I don't cry in front of people, so that was tremendous.
Everyday, I find myself willing to put myself out there a little more with people. To be open and honest with them in ways that I haven't been in years and years. (If not possibly ever.) I feel so grateful for the friends I have, and I feel so close to them. I wish that sometimes intrusive thoughts didn't get the better of me because I know when that happens, I'm not a good friend 90% of the time. I know I still will instinctively try to drive mental wedges between myself and other people. But at this point, I'm getting slowly better at recognizing the signs. I'm not trying too hard to intervene just yet because I don't think I'm quite there, but I'm getting better, I think, at knowing when it's happening.
I also feel like in some ways, I'm at a bad place in my life to want this since I don't even know where I'll be geographically speaking in roughly 1.5 years from now, but I want to fall in love again. I can't even begin to properly articulate just how big and important that is for me. I have been living a life in which romantic relationships have been such a no go for the past decade. But sometimes now, I just imagine what it would be like. If I could love and respect someone, and they could do the same back.
But with these improvements, I also have to acknowledge that the tail end of 2016 was a bumpy landing as well. Holidays continue to be a difficult time for me in general because of all the negative associations with my family trying to self-destruct on a familial and individual level every winter. I had a hard time leaving from visits with Siobhan, too, because Siobhan and Kerr both treat me with so much more respect and kindness than I often receive at home that it straight up hurts to come back. I feel loved when I'm there, and I simply feel maybe a quarter of that when I'm home with my dad. Then there was also the loss of Kumi, which I still find myself reeling from. I think I've been coping alright with it, all things considered, but it's been hard. I think it will be many months before I stop looking for her in the house or expecting her to start crawling all over me because it's Kumi Time now. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore though. I wish I had known something was wrong sooner, but I'm glad she's at peace. 2017 has just felt really daunting over the past month or so.
But focusing on 2016 again for just a moment! Despite 2016 being a global fucking disaster, this year has been about me for me, and I'm proud of that. I go back and forth between recognizing it as tremendous growth and it not being enough just yet, but I think at the end of the year? I have to acknowledge that it's been a lot of growth. Painful at times. Devastating and unrelenting at others. But I've put myself first in healthier ways than I have in a very long time. I just have to remind myself that it's a lifetime of conditioned bad habits that I'm fighting against. I'm trying to find other ways of doing things when for years what isn't helpful anymore was survival before.
I still want to continue working on carving out time for myself. I want to continue growing. I want to spend more time reading and sleeping. I want to define myself more with somewhat shallow things like makeup and button-downs, and hell, maybe even a nose piercing. I want to do big things, too, like dedicating more of my time advocating for myself and others. I want to be more open with how I'm thinking and feeling instead of burying things under I'm fine, just tired.
I think, on a personal level, I just don't want to lose the momentum that I gained in 2016. We'll see where 2017 takes us, but I hope at the end of it, I'll be able to say similar things that I did here.
2016 started off incredibly rough for me. I was still in the middle of the hellish year of fast-tracking, meaning I was working too much all around. It was during this period where I was stressed out to the point I wasn't sleeping or eating some days. Towards the end of the spring semester, I made the decision to get myself into therapy as soon as possible. I made the decision to hold off on immediately jumping in because I knew I was still bogged down with far too many obligations to really work on myself in a way that wouldn't just add more to my already overflowing plate. I think it was the best choice, but it wasn't 100% perfect because my therapist was far from great.
She didn't listen. Once she had an idea or way of thinking about my experiences, she would not accept my corrections no matter how many times I said that wasn't how I think of it. She invalidated me by putting her feelings above my own in the aftermath of a terrible event. I almost gave up completely on going to therapy because of her.
My new therapist is different. She lets me talk. She listens. She challenges me, but she does so without invalidating my experience. She's respectful of when I say I don't think something would work, or I say I don't think I could do something. She trusts me to know where my limits still lie while pushing me to get a little closer to them. We have a really great working relationship, and I'm hoping that continuing to work with her will help me continue growing into the person I am meant to be.
But that doesn't mean some of the growth that I've experienced didn't come without hardship. I had to come to painful terms with the emotional and psychological abuse that I experienced at the hands of not just one, but both my parents. I had to acknowledge that my father continues to abuse me emotionally while demanding that I take care of his own emotional needs. I struggled with wanting to hurt myself or worse at times, especially around my own damn birthday. (It's funny [in a sad way] because I'm still tempted to tell people I'm 25 just to avoid acknowledging that day ever happened.) I would not say that I've completely broken out of the cycle. I don't think I will be able to completely break out of it until I am living on my own, if I'm quite honest. But I have taken strides to avoid getting sucked into his psychodrama as much as possible. I've learned to establish better boundaries by only acknowledging his feelings while not offering solutions, to do things that I want like attending events, traveling during school breaks, and cutting my hair shorter than it's ever been. As screwed up as it might sound, I'm proud of myself for crying briefly in session one day. I don't cry in front of people, so that was tremendous.
Everyday, I find myself willing to put myself out there a little more with people. To be open and honest with them in ways that I haven't been in years and years. (If not possibly ever.) I feel so grateful for the friends I have, and I feel so close to them. I wish that sometimes intrusive thoughts didn't get the better of me because I know when that happens, I'm not a good friend 90% of the time. I know I still will instinctively try to drive mental wedges between myself and other people. But at this point, I'm getting slowly better at recognizing the signs. I'm not trying too hard to intervene just yet because I don't think I'm quite there, but I'm getting better, I think, at knowing when it's happening.
I also feel like in some ways, I'm at a bad place in my life to want this since I don't even know where I'll be geographically speaking in roughly 1.5 years from now, but I want to fall in love again. I can't even begin to properly articulate just how big and important that is for me. I have been living a life in which romantic relationships have been such a no go for the past decade. But sometimes now, I just imagine what it would be like. If I could love and respect someone, and they could do the same back.
But with these improvements, I also have to acknowledge that the tail end of 2016 was a bumpy landing as well. Holidays continue to be a difficult time for me in general because of all the negative associations with my family trying to self-destruct on a familial and individual level every winter. I had a hard time leaving from visits with Siobhan, too, because Siobhan and Kerr both treat me with so much more respect and kindness than I often receive at home that it straight up hurts to come back. I feel loved when I'm there, and I simply feel maybe a quarter of that when I'm home with my dad. Then there was also the loss of Kumi, which I still find myself reeling from. I think I've been coping alright with it, all things considered, but it's been hard. I think it will be many months before I stop looking for her in the house or expecting her to start crawling all over me because it's Kumi Time now. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore though. I wish I had known something was wrong sooner, but I'm glad she's at peace. 2017 has just felt really daunting over the past month or so.
But focusing on 2016 again for just a moment! Despite 2016 being a global fucking disaster, this year has been about me for me, and I'm proud of that. I go back and forth between recognizing it as tremendous growth and it not being enough just yet, but I think at the end of the year? I have to acknowledge that it's been a lot of growth. Painful at times. Devastating and unrelenting at others. But I've put myself first in healthier ways than I have in a very long time. I just have to remind myself that it's a lifetime of conditioned bad habits that I'm fighting against. I'm trying to find other ways of doing things when for years what isn't helpful anymore was survival before.
I still want to continue working on carving out time for myself. I want to continue growing. I want to spend more time reading and sleeping. I want to define myself more with somewhat shallow things like makeup and button-downs, and hell, maybe even a nose piercing. I want to do big things, too, like dedicating more of my time advocating for myself and others. I want to be more open with how I'm thinking and feeling instead of burying things under I'm fine, just tired.
I think, on a personal level, I just don't want to lose the momentum that I gained in 2016. We'll see where 2017 takes us, but I hope at the end of it, I'll be able to say similar things that I did here.
no subject
I am so proud of you for all of these steps you've taken to better yourself and your day to day experiences. I've seen you struggle through your choice with therapy and I'm glad you stuck with the choice and simply made the change of who is helping you. It takes a lot to be able to admit that the "trained professional" is the problem. I'm certain that countless others in the same position would not have been able to make such a choice.
I know that this year has been full of a lot of ups and downs and for you to make the conscious choice to keep moving forward, to not let those downs mark the year is a huge hurdle to overcome in and of itself. Putting yourself first, putting your health and self-care first is something to be extremely proud of. To recognize that you're important and deserve that level of care -- you are making great choices and I truly hope that all these choices amount to an amazing year for you in 2017.
I love you dearly and I support you with every ounce of my supportive bra-like strength. If you ever need anything, I'm just a message away.